As soon as the arms are folded defiantly, you know you’re facing a battle. You can call it strong-willed, stubborn or whatever you’d like – but this type of behavior is the same regardless of the name. How can you handle it?
Often the same straightforward methods that work well with others, just aren’t effective with the arm folders. It seems that some children just want to be in charge but to save yourself – you can’t let that happen.
Don’t yell and plead because no verbal combat will work. They have built a wall that they expect you to hit head on. Catch them off-guard by using calmness and creativity to get things working your way. You could say you sneak up on them, but really it is more like approaching their wall like a ninja instead of trying to plow through it like a bulldozer. Since what your child wants is for the result to be his or her idea, the ninja approach may actually allow you to make them think that!
Whether you’re the ninja, you use reverse psychology or you just plain sneak up on your stubborn subject, you are really reacting to human nature because, according to some pediatric therapists, it is human nature for everyone — children included — to want to be in charge or at least be included in determining what they will do.
Here are some ninja moves that may work with your arm folder.
Turn it into a game or a challenge. Every kid likes a game. Stubborn kids are especially interested in winning.
Ask for a helper. This makes them feel as though helping is a privilege.
Take the positive road, not the negative one. This takes the fight out of it and can sometimes diffuse the entire situation.
Set it to music. Music is a known calming agent. Use it to your advantage.
Guide with choices. You can gently guide children down the path that you want them to go with choices. Instead of just ending an activity, inch your child toward the end with options.
Stay calm. Regardless of what the child’s reaction or response is to your actions, keep your cool and you will maintain control.
Stick to your guns. Keep your word. This almost guarantees that the next time you have this activity it will go smoothly.
Show interest. Don’t just push your arm folder from play to another less popular activity. Take a moment to show interest in what they are doing. After you’ve established this connection, you have a better chance of getting the child to do what you ask.
Reduce choices. Sometimes stubbornness may be the result of choice overload. If you narrow down what the choices are, there is less argument. And don’t feel bad about removing choices. After all, you are the adult!
Pick your battles. Whenever you can, present only choices that you can live with. That way there is no argument. Sometimes things just aren’t worth a battle.
Look for a real cause. It is possible for stubbornness and whining can actually be signaling that something is out of sorts and find a solution. For example, if it seems that the child is overwhelmed, break the tasks or activities down into smaller parts. They will seem less intimidating and the child will be likely to rise to the challenge.
Be prepared for how long stubborn children can keep their walls up. Maintain your emotions and be consistent in what you’re asking them to do. Also keep in mind that stubborn kids are kids and they are apt to change their minds on a whim.
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