Teen Behavior: How to Draw the Line on Disrespect
When children turn into teens something special happens. And that “special” may not seem so good to you.
They suddenly react to even just the sound of your voice differently with very annoying and irritating actions and attitudes.
There are the rolling eyes, the snide comments and backtalk, the ignored requests. You may even experience curses and name calling. All things you didn’t think you would ever see your sweet little one direct toward you or anyone else. Welcome to your child’s teen years!
There are a few things to realize as you read further: It’s natural, it’s not your fault and you’re not alone. Let me expand on those points.
First of all, realize that this is a part of their growing and maturing process – although the actions are definitely not mature. They are stretching their wings so to speak and pushing you for their own independence. They are seeking out ways to solve their problems without your help. They’ve previously felt powerless and exerting this bit of independence and original effort gives them a taste of the power they’re seeking.
Secondly, you are not a bad parent because your teen is being disrespectful. It is not something that you did to cause this behavior in your child.
And thirdly, realize that you are not alone. Every other parent with a blossoming teen is in your shoes. Every teen will have a different way to express or exert their search for independence, but they will just naturally do it.
Draw the line. Their power-seeking cannot be allowed to take control of your household and your role as parent.
While you cannot demand respect from them, you can have rules and require your teen to follow them – regardless of how they feel about the rules or about the situation. And while mild disrespect is normal and you should even expect it, you must make it known that rude, hurtful or demeaning disrespect is not tolerated in your household – directed at you or anyone else. If you do tolerate disrespect in the more severe form, it will only encourage and allow it to escalate. When you’ve reached the point that discipline is in order, the short-term type is generally best in teens. According to the Global Post, punishments that last a few hours or days are better than one that goes on for weeks. Read more about discipline for disrespect in that article.
While you didn’t cause your child to become a disrespectful teen, there are some actions and reactions that you can avoid so that you are not triggering more or elevated disrespect from your teen.
Don’t demand respect.
Yes – this is a restatement from a couple of paragraphs above and bears repeating because demanding respect is a common mistake that parents of teens make. It’s pretty normal that teens don’t respect their parents because becoming a teen has suddenly made them the source of all knowledge and much smarter than any parent could be. So just accept the fact that it just won’t happen.
Instead of demanding their respect, focus on their behavior. This is where acting respectfully comes in and abiding by the zero tolerance of disrespectful behavior to anyone pays dividends. You aren’t asking them to like the rule, but they do have to abide by it.
Above all, keep your focus on the behavior, not the feelings surrounding it.
Don’t set an example of disrespect.
With teens, you want to be sure and give them a living example. So if disrespect isn’t tolerated, then it applies to you too. Don’t fly off on your superiors at work or anywhere else, your relatives or neighbors. Give them the example of how they should manage their discontent in how you manage yours. If you give them a bad example to follow, you’re sure to hear about it – and see it reflected back to you.
It goes back to the Golden Rule we all learned as kids. Do unto others….. It really applies here!
Don’t over-react.
The over-reaction is what they are driving for. You’ve heard it said, “that child knows how to push her buttons.” Don’t let it happen. All of their annoying new behavior can get really get to you and push your buttons. Taking their actions personally will drag you down into defensive mode which is exactly where you don’t want to be. You will lose control of the situation and give them more ammunition to use against you – and they will delight in the fact that they got to you.
Ignore their petty reactions and actions as much as possible. If they are complying with your rules otherwise, an overreaction to a little eye-rolling will just blow it for you. Sometimes you have to choose your battles. What behaviors can you tolerate and which will you not? Make sure you know this for yourself so that you’re not making up your own boundaries as you go along.
Again – stay focused!
Don’t side with them.
Even if you think their argument may have merit, if they are disrespecting an authority figure, it will reinforce that element of the situation if you agree. The child needs to know that – regardless of how they feel about a coach’s or teacher’s actions or rules, being disrespectful is not the way to disagree. They need to learn to act appropriately – even when their ideas are different from someone else’s.
This is another good situation where leading by example is powerful. There are sure to be times that you disagree with your boss or your parent, but you must act appropriately in expressing your difference of opinion or even belief so that you’re reinforcing the appropriate action in your teen.
Don’t ignore their good behavior.
It isn’t true that you’re relenting or giving in if you recognize good behavior in your teen.
It is just as important to reinforce good behavior as it is to be intolerant of inappropriate behavior.
Think about how you feel if you’re constantly corrected and never applauded. Resentment builds. Failing to show that you’re happy with good behavior, let’s your teen know that he’s on the right track somewhere. Never showing this positivity can make the teen feel as though they just won’t ever get it right. Let your child know when they make poor decisions but also let them know when they make good ones.
Be sure to express exactly what it is that they did well. Instead of just saying you’re making some good choices, be specific in complementing exactly what they did that was positive. It is good that they see that you know and appreciate that they are trying to work on their temper or smart mouth. Even if they won’t admit it, they will appreciate the recognition from you.
Handling Disrespect
There are very effective ways to handle disrespectful behavior in teens so that the behavior can be held in check as the teen grows into their independence: Ignoring Mild Disrespect, Using Grandma’s Rules, Stating the If/Then Warning, Providing Negative Consequences and Require Restitution. Read more details about these methods.
Exacting discipline on, setting a good example for and watching your step around teens can be difficult. Think of it as part necessity, part self-improvement, and part self-preservation!
Resources: Empowering Parents, Global Post, About .com
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